It was Eric's birthday this Monday and I shared a post about him and about how my life had changed in the last 4 years (see below). And just like every time I share something along those lines, I got a lot of positive feedback.
I got 3 phone calls because of that post. 3 friends that thanked me for saying what they want to say but they censor themselves from saying; mothers, like me saying "I miss myself" and feeling a bit relieved from their own micro fantasies of a child free life.
We need to make a pact among ourselves to be honest, to be real, to be raw. The stigma associated with motherhood is huge and it feels like the very first trap of the system. I am not saying that being a mother is a losing game, but the way it is framed is definitely setting us up for failure.
We are constantly told that we need to be mothers, we are indoctrinated, from the moment we are literally out of somebody's body to want to create babies of our own. Kids repeat what they see and because they obviously live in a family with kids (themselves!) they like to replicate that in their own world... they play with dolls, the push mini prams... but in girls it is so highly encouraged (while discouraged or ignored in boys).
The role models we have, the stories we read, the films we watch, the questions we get asked... all that reinforces a natural desire to have kids. But the worst part is the lies! We are lied to! And it seems to be a tacit silence agreement to keep those lies going from generation to generation, covered in guilt and shame.
Being a mum is hard! Not talking about the cleaning vomit from your hair, or the toys everywhere or the lack of silence (but also!) I am talking about the unrealistic expectations we have and the way motherhood takes over so much space (all the space!) that it is suffocating sometimes.
I am talking about the way we have the need to justify that we love them, or that we wouldn't change them for the world every time we complain about something. Could you imagine having to add "but I would marry them again in a heartbeat" every time you complain about your partner or about the some of the cons of being on a relationship?
Even Chris and I discuss about how hard I sounded when I say things as "motherhood is not always worth it" I promise I can see fear in his face. I don't regret having kids myself, but I don't judge people that do, I don't even assume that people that do are bad mothers, in fact, I am sure they are probably amazing mothers that found that their idea of parenting included far too much sacrifice but they stick by it at a very expensive cost, a cost that may not always seem worth it. Those mothers didn't enjoy the pros any less and I am sure they loved the kisses and snuggles in the sofa but when they did their own private and personal balance the cons outweighed the pros. It wasn't about their children it was about motherhood itself. I think the fact that we are silencing those voices is not a win for anybody.
I think this is part of the next feminist revolution. Women allowing themselves to matter and to not fit the unrealistic standard, women grieving being at the center of their own life most of the time without having add to it the shame or guilt for owning their own feelings, women telling each other the truth about the struggles and freeing each other from the narrative of perfection.
None of the hard conversations or acknowledging and voicing the hard parts of motherhood has made me enjoy any less the awesome parts of it, it hasn't tainted the love, it hasn't made me any worse of a mother, but it has made me feel less lonely in the struggles, it has validated my feelings and reminded me that they mattered.
Being an honest and fulfilled women is also part of being a great role model and parent.
Happy 4 years of brutal honesty, great moments, tears, boredom, self-appreciation and love for them and for me as a mum and much more than a mum! I expect many more years of all of those!
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This post was originally published in The Feminist Shop